Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
