hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
