I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
