Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
