I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
