When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
