I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
