Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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