I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
