peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
