VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
