i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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