We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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