Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
how drunk are you?
Several
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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