Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
