my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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