saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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