I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
