Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
