ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
