my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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