I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
