im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
