Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
