I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
