I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Is Oprah even human
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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