Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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