after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
