I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
