Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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