Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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