Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
