Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
