i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
