He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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