just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
even my farts smell like vagina
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
