I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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