matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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