she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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