I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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