Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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