theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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