Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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