anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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