Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I need a hoe opinion
go on
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
