Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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