it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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