haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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