I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
