this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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