The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
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I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
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The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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