he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
