I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
