This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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