Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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