i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
