good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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