Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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