do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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